There a pie

No not real pie. Brain pie. (therapy)

The past year and a half I have been feeling anxious. People make me anxious. The thought of my geriatric dog completing the circle of life makes me anxious. Certain situations make me anxious.
I started thinking that something my be really wrong with me. 1 guess as to how that made me feel.
I thought that I'd never feel better again.
That is until now.
I am feeling better. I have a nice person that I talk to.
I am finding through therapy that only I am in control of me. I control my thoughts, actions, and feelings. That no one else can control me or take advantage of me unless I let them. (There is alot of power in that. )
It is re enforcing what I already knew. I am just as worthy as anyone else of love, praise, kindness, nice words, acceptance, fairness, and happiness, and that it is alright to want to make people happy, but it is entirely different if I do it to my own detriment.
She is helping me remove some of my people anxiety. I am coming to accept the fact that no matter what I do, there are going to people that don't like me. That it is OK and that I am allowed to let it go. That I can release myself from feeling like I have failed when people don't like me or when a friendship fails.

I carried a certain amount of guilt and the feeling of failure for the end of an extremely toxic friendship. It wasn't alot, it was just enough to keep me holding on to a memory.

The literal and realist thinking side of my brain knew that a friendship with an untreated alcoholic is not a friendship. It knew that to some point I was a means to an end. But most importantly it knew I was an enabler. Now the other side of my brain which I consider to be granola, idealistically held on to the hope that she'd go to treatment. She'd get sober, and things would be all sunshine and lollipops, and we'd be skipping down a rainbow again. That didn't happen and in August, the rational side finally won, and I cut that friendship loose.

The loss made me feel better. But it didn't make me feel GOOD.
Definitely not this good.
With this new found hope, I am changing. "she" says I am evolving. I say Bah, just changing. I don't need the fancy word.

I am changing. The way I looked at things a year ago, 6 months ago are not necessarily the way I am looking at things now.
I am finding my voice, I am achieving my balance. I know what I love to do and I am doing it. (I just can't say how much I enjoy volunteering at the school. I'd be there all day every day if I could.) Sometimes I say that its alot of work and complain about it to my friends, but everyone feels that way about something. Heck, motherhood is the HARDEST and most work I have ever done. Do I complain about it to my friends? Hell ya, do I stop doing it? Hell NO!

My stress level is dropping. It feels so good to have that knot out of my back. I am definitely not getting riled up about silly things as much. For instance, my mother asked that I look mainstream for Christmas. I took the red out of my hair. The old me would have let that fester and swell and I'd get all worked up and huffy. ITS ONLY HAIR. Really, I'd have gotten worked up about hair. So, I did it for my mom. I figure it was a good Christmas gift, and really she's my mom and it was not an out of line request. I accept the fact that she doesn't like to see me all pierced and tattooed. It scares her that I have a Harley. That's her deal not mine, but red hair that was really all she could handle.

Anyway, its going to be 2009 soon. (I get my car back on the 9Th, its 2009, and the 9 is the car I pull for in Nascar) I resolve to continue my change, to remain sober, and to remain smoke free. '09 is going to be a great year!
Happy New Year to all. I hope you and yours are safe and happy!