This is my favorite poem and about sums up my feelings right now.

"I'm Fine thank you"

There is nothing the matter with me
I'm as healthy as I can be.
I have arthritis in both my knees
and when I talk I talk with a wheeze.

My pulse is weak and my blood is thin
but I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.
Arch supports for both of my feet
or I wouldn't be able to be on the street.

Sleep is denied me night after night
but I find in the morning that I'm all right.
My memory is failing and my heads a spin
but I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

The moral is this as my tale I unfold
that for you and me who are growing old,
It's better to say "I'm fine" with a grin
than to let folks know the shape we are in.

How do I know that my youth is all spent?
Well my "get up and go" just got up and went.
But I really don't mind when I think with a grin
of all the grand places my "get up" has been.

Old age is golden, I've heard it said;
but sometimes I wonder as I get into bed.
With my ears in a drawer and my teeth in a cup
my eyes on the table until I wake up.

Ere sleep over takes me, I say to myself,
"is there anything else I could lay on the shelf?"
When I was young my slippers were red,
I could kick up my heels over my head.

When I was older my slippers were blue
but I could still dance the whole night through.
but now that I'm old my slippers are black,
I walk to the store and puff my way back.

I get up each morning and dust off my wits
I pick up the paper and check the obits.
If my name is still missing, I know I'm not dead
so I fix me some breakfast and go back to bed.

Author Unknown.

Seriously, I'm just kidding.: The beauty of roller derby

Seriously, I'm just kidding.: The beauty of roller derby

The beauty of roller derby

Roller derby. I remember watching it with my mom as a kid. She would let me stay up way past my bed time and we'd watch just us.
Now I'm a mom and I have the pleasure of watching derby live with MY daughter.
For those of you who have never seen a bout, you have a chance. Get your self some tickets at www.rosecityrollers.com and come to the bout June 19Th 2010 at the Portland Oregon Expo center. You are guaranteed to have a fantastic night full of hard hitting nail biting action.
As a child I didn't see the beauty in derby that I see now as an adult.
I see roller derby as a very intricate ballet. The Jammer (prima ballerina) moves gracefully through the pack, avoiding the blockers (dance company) all the while staying on her feet, revving up the crowd and scoring points with the help of her team.
Roller derby is a very physical sport, but it is more than the physicality of hitting, bumping and body checking.
It's about stamina, strategy, skill, humor, self worth, respect, sisterhood, grace, beauty and empowerment.
I have enjoyed he opportunity to share roller derby with my daughter who is now hard core into derby. She LOVES being Sidelines Sarah the pint sized mascot for the most bitchin team in derby GNR! She wants skates. She wants a name for when she skates. She is counting down the days until she is a Rosebud. She has decided whether they want her or not, when she is 18 she WILL be a GNR. She has her favorite skaters and will NOT tolerate anyone talking poorly about them and will go toe to toe with you to convince you to like her favorite skaters. Her favorites are Cher the Pain because "She is awesome and I love her." Smack Ya Sideways because "she's really nice and she looks like she is floating when she skates." Cadillac "because she is really fast" and Blood Clottia "because she scores the most points" Each of these skaters have different styles to their skating but they have 1 thing in common that Sarah says is most important "they are all so so nice and I think they like me."
It makes her night when after a bout the ladies tell her that they couldn't have done it without her. Roller derby has increased her self esteem 10 fold and is showing her you can be a strong athlete and still be graceful, kind and great roll model for a young girl who idolizes them.
These ladies embody what being a woman should be about. As a fan I see all of this. I see the determination in their faces, the UN spoken fierce loyalty these ladies show each other. An not just the loyalty to their team. They are loyal to each other and support each other team mate or not. All of this is what I am trying to instill in my daughter.
Although they skate on different teams and rivalries are strong, these ladies are more than just GNR, Heartless Heathers, Break Neck Betties and High Rollers. They are the Rose City Rollers and they are some of the most amazing women I have had the pleasure of meeting.
Because of this I am a proud derby volunteer, supporter and hopefully one day a proud derby mom.

And so it's come to this.

So, I went to Mecca today. (For me Mecca is Nordstrom.)
I went there for the sole purpose of purchasing post surgery foundation garments.
So after getting said garments, I thought why don't I just nip over to Point of View and see if they have anything I cant live without. Basically I was looking for 1 thing. My favorite brand of casual T shirt SLEDGE.
For those of you not in the know.....Nordstrom has their clothes in departments based on age. (whether they choose to admit it or not. Really go there, and look for your self) Point of View is mainly for the 30 to 40 something trendy-ish suburbanite. So I'm meandering around looking, and since I am not able to find what I am looking for and I am NOT A MAN, I ask the nice perky sales lady. ME "I don't see any of your sledge shirts....is Nordstrom no longer carrying them?" Miss Perky "Well, we do carry them, but they are no longer in this department." "oh" I say "are they down stairs?" Miss P "oh no......they are over there." As she casually points to the Narrative department.
My heart sank, and I got a knot in my stomach......She couldn't possibly have said Narrative. But she had.
So, with my head down and a lot less spirit, I sucked it up and went over, crossing the invisible line between youth and not so youthful.
Here is where the temperature dropped about 20 degrees. Maybe they could smell my fear, or it was the loathing that I had for having to shop the more mature section I don't know BUT....
Have you ever had the feeling that you were being watched? The kind of watched where the room falls silent when you walk in and EVERYONE is staring at you? Almost like you are a box of chocolates and you have just been dropped into a weight watchers meeting for post menopausal 50 to 60 ish women? I kid you not. I have NEVER felt more uncomfortable in my life. I did NOT feel like I belonged there. No perky sales ladies came over to see if I was finding what I needed, because what I needed was to not be in that department. I clearly wasn't welcome on "their turf" and although I wasn't asked to leave and go back to my people and quit breaking away from the herd, it is the impression that I got.
So no purchase made, I left feeling the cold slap of rejection I have rejoined my people. The people who accept me for being young and don't eye me because of it.
I guess I will just have to wait for Sledge to hit Nordstrom Rack where young and old can shop in peace harmony and bliss. A fashion preserve for young and old shoppers if you will........

Bucket List....To be added to and changed as I grow and change

As of 4/11/10 these are the things I want to do before the bucket is kicked.

I want to meet the President of the United States
I want to see marriage legal for EVERYONE
I want to meet Kasey Kahne, Richard Petty, Darrel Waltrip and Michael Waltrip
I want to volunteer for a week at the victory junction camp
I want to do the Kyle Petty Ride (for the victory junction camp)
I want to watch a session of congress LIVE
I want to walk each and every step of the Eiffel Tower.
I want to tour Ireland with Kate when I turn 40
I want to do the Richard Petty driving experience as a driver and a rider
I want to see the sun set in Greece
I want to work with horses
I want to just skate with a Roller derby team. (not compete, just skate for fun with them)
I want to help a mare give birth
I want to hike from Gold Beach to Paradise lodge
I want to do a zip line a very high and long one
I want my picture taken next to the "thinker" in the thinker position
I want to see the Andes mountains
I want to see Aztec, Incan, and Mayan ruins
I want to swim with dolphins and touch them
I want to learn to can my own food
I want to learn to knit
I want to see the forbidden city
I want to go to all the places my dad saw when he was in Vietnam
I want to make my own cheese and wine
I want to spend 2 weeks in Washington DC learning about MY country
I want to honor my Jewish friend and visit a concentration camp and leave a memento in her name.
I want to ride with the gaucho's in Argentina
I want the courage to touch a cobra
I want to see my children marry who they choose to marry
I want to see my children go to college
I want to go to New York City and see as many plays/musicals in 5 days
I want to stand as close as I can to Haleakala
I want to build houses with habitat for humanity
I want to go to Morocco
I want to visit Egypt
I want to touch a tiger
I want to sleep in a hut over the Caribbean sea
I want to eat at mid evil times restaurant
I want to interview Dean Koontz and Stephen Hawking
I want to talk with Rachel Maddow
I want to dance with Nathan Fillion
Id like a walk on role in Dr. Horrible 2
I want to sing a duet with Sarah Brightman
I want to see a cure for Cancer, Parkinson's and Aids
I want to drive a Ferrari
I would like to be financially able to assist the family of an injured soldier
I want to see outer space from a really big fancy telescope at a NASA facility
I want to see the space shuttle take off in person
I want to throw tea into Boston harbor
I want to eat at a chef's table in a fancy kitchen
I want my hair cut an colored by a famous stylist
I want to walk a red carpet for a movie premier
I want to fly a helicopter
I want to complete college
I want to work as a groom at a horse facility
I want to wear a wedding dress and have the wedding I never had

Well this is just a jumping off point.

To my stalker.

Sorry to disappoint. This is not a "real" blog update. Everyone but the person stalking my facebook can come back next week for a nice post titled 50 reasons why sing along blogs are wonderful.

Now, for you my stalker. Leave me alone. Stop. Go away. Move on.
You lie. You manipulate the truth. You act the part of the victim. BooHoo
So heres one for you. Those who can, do. Those who can't whine to their husbands and have them fight their battles.

A bit of advice, when you apologize to someone it is best NOT to admit you feel superior to them. It tends to piss one off.

You're so vain....I bet you think this blog is about you.

Therapy, its a wonderful thing.


I am really coming into myself. I know who I am, I know what I want, I am learning how to get it, and it is reinforcing lessons learned as a child.


Therapy is helping me see things in a simple way.


Simply put, life is about boundaries.


Regardless of when you establish them, they are yours. You and only you have to be comfortable with them.


You can have different boundaries for different people.


For example, most people have a set for their spouse/partner, a set for your children (if you have them), a set for family members, a set for work, a set for friends, and a set for acquaintances.


It is perfectly acceptable to have multiple boundaries and even boundaries within boundaries.



Some of my boundaries are as follows.



You don't call me on Sundays. I wont answer.

Don't text me during a race. I wont respond.

DO NOT attack me or my family. The result will not be pretty.

DO NOT talk about friends spouses to me. Their dynamic is their dynamic and I have nothing to do with it. What works in their home may not work in yours and you need to accept that.

DO NOT ever in my presence emasculate your spouse/partner. UN COOL!

I will not change who I am to please others and satisfy their own insecurities.

I will not change who I am period unless I want to.

Do not tell me that volunteering at the school and being an active member of my children's lives is less important that time with friends. In my world it is not.

Never ever ever ever attack my spouse. EVER. I can say he is a butt head sometimes. You may never say that.

Treat me with respect

Be honest with me. Even if you are afraid to be. Honesty is always the best policy and I will cease to respect you for even 1 lie.

Do not use guilt with me.

I will not use guilt with others.

If you have wronged someone apologize.

And the most important,
To have a friend you must be a friend.
You can not demand friendship from someone, you can not have unrealistic expectations of a friend and you must above all, accept your friend for who they are, warts and all.

These are just some of the many boundaries that I have adopted through therapy.

I am a much happier person lately. I have cut and will continue to cut drama out of my life.

I am happy to have my blog where I can express my feelings and desires in a safe and secure place away from ridicule and petty girl drama.

If you don't like my blog or what I say in it, you must remember it is not for you.
It is a window into me that I allow you to look through. Nothing more. If you feel slighted because people you may or may not know are mentioned and you are not, you must remember I don't write this for you. I write for me. Any slight you may feel is your own hang up and I will not be held responsible for your insecurities.

Yes, I am so vain, and I do think that this blog is about me.

Here it is folks

Desmoplastic Melanoma.

That's what the biopsy says. Don't know if it is in lymphatic system yet.
Consultation tomorrow, tissue test some time in September.

Going out for an expensive dinner tonight because I deserve it!
I will study and think about this tomorrow.

As if Parkinsons wasn't enough

As if Parkinsons wasn't enough, we found out today that dad has cancer.
FUCK!

Good BYE N.F.L

With the re-reinstatement of the convicted animal abuser Michael Vic, thus ends my viewership of any NFL event or sponsored event.

I am disgusted that the NFL would allow this monster to represent them.
As long as they choose condone his activities and allow him to play, I am choosing to not watch ANY NFL games.
I am also choosing to not support any of their sponsors that choose to buy airtime during any Philadelphia Eagles games.

This takes alot of pressure off of me. Now, I don't have to flip between Nascar races and Football games.
I am glad that MY sport Nascar has the longest season in sports.
I enjoy watching football, but will be doing so at the College level from now on.
At least when the Superbowl comes around (a game that I will NOT be watching) I know that I have only 1 week to the Daytona 500!! (and only 4 days until the twin duels)

Superman

FYI, KC is superman.
I love him more and more everyday.
I see friends divorcing, breaking up, hating each other.
It makes me remember WHY I love KC.
I remember why it was worth it to run to Reno to get married.
I remember why after 28 days he's the one.
No matter what happens in my life I know 1 thing. He will always be there, and for that I am eternally grateful.

One more day.

Its hard to pinpoint the exact moment you grow up.


For me the growing up process has been a series of events stretched over my entire lifetime.


I was always the child that had to do EVERYTHING the hard way. Even if I knew what the "easy way" was, I'd still do it the hard way. Why, because if my mother wanted me to do something one way, I would deliberately do it the other way just to destroy her peace of mind.

Grow up moment example 1: 3 broken arms in 18 months....I had to do EVERYTHING the hard way.

As a "young adult" I had an enormous chip on my shoulder. My S.H.I.T did not stink. I was King (Queen) crap of turd island. I spoke very nasty to people.


Grow up moment example 2: My mom and I went to the Rockwood Burger King for dinner one night when I was about 12. I of course said something nasty to her in the line, and the gal working the cash register heard what I said, and said to me, "If I would have talked to my mom the way you are talking to your mom, I'd have a fat lip." I have never forgotten that and it has had an enormous effect on me.

Skipping forward to my 20's. I had a live hard kind of attitude. I did everything. If I had a problem, I ignored it. Sometimes the problem went away. Sometimes it did not. When it did not, I called my father. The great fixer of problems. The righter of wrongs, the payer of bills etc.

I always promised I would change. That I wouldn't be such a screw up. I would change.

I did change. Oh did I change, I changed my name.



Grow up moment example 3: I married a man I knew 28 days. Basically I ran away to Reno and married a stranger! I don't recommend this. I was lucky. I found a diamond in the rough. He is a wonderful man, and I love him more and more every day.

This could have turned out really really bad. I don't want to even think how bad this could have been. This could have hurt much more than just me.

At this point I recall really knowing what I did no matter what it was, had consequences.

#1 and #2 really had a new meaning to me at this point also.

There were a few other little life lessons that have hit me from time to time that I wont mention, I will just say I wouldn't be the person I am today without them.



I had another grow up moment tonight.



I got a phone call from a person that I consider family. This person is facing some serious business. It is NOT good and I feel so badly for this person and this persons family. This will be a life changing event for them and they will never forget this. This impact this will have on their family is huge.

I want so badly to help. With every fiber of my being I want to help. There is of course nothing I can do but be a friend and be there for the family, and support them as best I can.



The lesson learned is this. I have grown up. I realized tonight what it was to be my dad. Why he was the great fixer of things. Why he always fixed things. And now why he hates it that I won't let him fix things.

I called him after speaking to my friend. He is always the voice of reason, and he most always has good advice. I needed to hear from him that this would be OK. I can hear in his voice real and true concern. He is also saddened by this situation. I can hear in his voice another thing to. He wants to help. He wants so badly to do what he used to do for me...fix things. He hasn't felt useful since his diagnosis and the hope I heard in his voice tonight was defining.

I am hoping that this is a come to jesus moment for my friend. I hope they learn (just as I had to) the life fast and ignore your problems until they go away route is NOT the good one. It may look like the easiest road, it is. Until you find your pot hole. They are so deep that without help and the willingness to face your problems you will never get out. I hope that they can face this.

Part of my journey in this is I need to learn to let people help themselves. I can offer support and compassion, but I am not the one that has to do the work. I need to learn that by helping I am not helping. I am just throwing more dirt in on them.
Today I am grown up by 1 more day.
I also know why my parents were always so damn tired.

Tonight I ate something so good. I had been craving it ALL day. (sounds sexy right. get your mind out of the gutter.)

You know you are getting close to your monthly curse when you make a crispy bacon, mayo and provolone sandwich. And add a side of flavor blasted goldfish, a diet root beer and 1/2 a carton of Ben and Jerry's Phish food.

The gas....the gas will come, but I will have had a bacon sandwich and thats not a bad thing.

I cant say how excited I am that I have learned how to blog from my phone!!! Wooo hooo!!

Sadness

Today was a beautiful day. With a cloud of sadness. I just got the call from my dad that he and my mom put their wonderful dog of 13 years to sleep.

Rest in Peace Lucy, you were a good and faithful friend.

A good direction, from good directions.

Men soon the faults of others learn
A few their virtues, too, find out;
But is there one—I have a doubt— Who can his own defects discern?

Sanskrit Proverb


Make it thy business to know thyself,
which is the most difficult lesson in the world.

Miguel de Cervantes

Be courteous to all, but intimate with few;
and let those be well-tried before you give them your confidence.

George Washington

Passion

I have passion.
Actually I am extremely competitive, but passion makes is sound alot less well....bad.

This weekend, Sarah went to her first Softball tryouts. We knew she'd make the team because KC is coaching, but it was tryouts all the same.
KC and I discussed the tryouts ahead of time, and it was determined that Sarah would be under alot less stress to perform, it I went with Ben on his Cub Scout activity. (which was met with ALOT of sighing and eye rolling by the boy.)

This weekend has been full of Softball type activities for our family. Sarah and I have taken every sunny opportunity (where nascar wasn't on) to work on her skills.
She has got a really great arm and if we could just work on her accuracy, I think that she has a bright future. I am not exaggerating when I say that my 8 year old daughter can make the through from 3rd to 1st. She (when she pays attention) can hit the ball very well also.

I am extremely happy that she wants to play, although I do question how much she is playing because she wants to and how much she is playing because I want to.

I have been to the Fireballs web site and printed out papers, I have been to the OSAA website and printed out rules and coaching tips and I have been to Jenny Finch's web site (she is a goddess!!) and printed out tips from her. I have highlighted things in there that are important, and I have them all stapled together and ready to hand to KC.
I know it is over kill and that he is the coach of 6,7 and 8 year old girls, but again with the passion.

KC and I decided last year that he would coach. (really, I wanted to coach, but....I am afraid that my passion would either create a team of softball G.I Joe combat warriors OR make every girl on the team run home in tears and begging not to have to play.) So KC is the coach. I thought that I would just sit on the side line and help out at practice if needed, but to my surprise my sweet husband who never ceases to amaze me, put me on the team list as an official assistant coach.

I get to help. I can not tell you how this simple gesture on his part makes me feel.

I am so LAME!

If you google lame, you will get a picture of me.

Today, was a rotten awful day. Not only did I have to snake the kids toilet, but I cleaned the entire house, did all of the laundry, and hung up all of the hang up clothes. My car which took 7 weeks to fix incorrectly, went in to the body shop to have things "fixed" that were supposed to be fixes the first time. When we got to the body shop that had my car ALL DAY (which required the kids and I to walk to Sarah's piano lesson in the rain) Actually made the car WORSE. So, it goes back in tomorrow with pictures of what a Dodge Charger hood should look like.
So after yelling (litterally yelling) at the repair guy, yelling at KC because he was closest, and running 2 miles on the treadmill, I felt moderately better.
I decided that looking at my ranking on yahoo fantasy racing was a good idea. Last week I was tied for 1st, so I knew that I'd fall out of the top 10 this week. Well low and behold.....Nascar nerd me, is all by herself in FIRST. Yippee!!!
I feel so very much better, life will go on and if those fuckers at Kadels don't do the car right this time......you don't want to know.

It's just the wrong pair and you know it.

You wake up one morning, go to your dresser, and grab your panties. You know the minute your hand touches them that you have grabbed "that" pair.
You know the ones. They don't feel right, the elastic is soft in some spots, the material makes your butt sweat, and they itch.

That is how my blogging has felt lately.
I haven't been able to write anything.
I've barely been able to write my own name.
It's not for the lack of trying or things that piss me off, there have been lots of both.

For instance, ownership.
You can own many things. Your time share in Maui, your car, your house, your thoughts, your actions, your emotions, and your beliefs. I've thought alot about ownership lately. How as people we don't focus much on the ownership of things that aren't tangible. We don't stop and take ownership of what we say, what we do and how we act.

I try to instill in my children that what we say to people is like throwing a pebble into a still lake. That pebble, no matter how small makes ripple upon ripple.
Now imagine that the pebble is a word said in hatred, and the pond is a person. (or group of people) Look at the ripples that move through. Your words hit and spread moving outward and touching more people than you may have intended. You OWN the words that come out of your mouth.

Here is another pebble in the pond. For hundreds of years, one group or another has cast their stone into the pond. The words and actions of people who thought their view point was the ONLY view point damaged a great many people.

Hitler/The Jewish population.
White rich southern men/slaves
Muslims/Christians
Republicans/Democrats
and most recently,
Straight Christians/Homosexual and transgendered people.

People. Like it or not, whether you align with one side or the other, the common factor in all of those are....People.
Agree with either side and you will still find People. People and their words/actions cause problems. When are People going to be the solution to problems?
Saying that one side is more right than the other, or just plain right is wrong.
Just because you may have more "book" learning than some, does not make you better than me. A person who has "real life" learning.
Just because you are passionate about something you believe in, doesn't make you right. I just makes you passionate about something.
People. With feelings, people with their own hopes dreams and passions.
It is when people with passions who seek to disparage and attack other people that turmoil and hate are allowed to flourish.
We must accept that their are many views in the world, not just ours. We MUST accept that there are many different kinds of people in the world. Through acceptance (not tolerance) we can change the world. Together. But we must start with ourselves, with our attitudes towards others. We must change our "panties".
Right now, we are wearing the wrong pair. And you know it.

Thank you Congress

Thank you Congress. Thank you for listening. Thank you to the 3 Republicans that crossed over the aisle and helped the working and currently not working man.
As for the rest of the Republi- cant's. I hope you enjoy sitting in your big fancy houses, thinking of ways to stick it to us little guys. Maybe we should stick it to you when you are up for re-election. I wonder how you would feel to be out of work. Come stand next to me in the un-employment line.